“What kind of woman am I if I allow people to treat me so badly?” When a man hurts a good woman, the fault lies with the person who is being hurtful, not the one who he hurt. This can have us asking the hard question about love “Did he ever really love me?” He might be a narcissist. Find out about narcissism and what to do if you love one. :
When you fall in love, early on, it can seem like everything is absolutely perfect. As time goes on, things you have previously ignored might start to wear you down, and it can have you wondering, “Did he ever love me to begin with?” Maybe he always has, but he’s having issues that need to be addressed. One of the things that can disrupt relationships is if one partner shows symptoms of narcissism, and the other partner feels like it has created a messed up relationship. Not everyone who shows narcissistic tendencies is an uncaring individual, but some are. What is narcissism, and what are the signs you are in love with a narcissist? Can narcissists love, and what happens when your significant other acts like they don’t care about your feelings? How can you bring positive energy into your life when you are hurting, and what can you do to let go of the bad things? Read on to find out.
Defining Narcissism
Narcissism is defined in multiple ways. There is a healthy amount of narcissism, and then there is narcissism that requires medical treatment because it destroys personal connections and keeps the person suffering from it from succeeding in career and relationships. Narcissism in general is some degree of being self-centered, and while a bit of it can help keep you from being taken advantage of, too much of it is toxic.
Narcissism was named after Narcissus in Greek myth. In Book Three of Ovid’s Metamorphosis, he tells the story of Echo and Narcissus. Narcissus was a very handsome hunter who became so self-absorbed, he rejected all who were attracted to him. It so happened that one day, as he walked through the woods, a wood nymph named Echo saw him and fell madly in love, so she followed him. Of course, he rejected her, and she wasted away from a broken heart until nothing but the sound of her voice as an echo remained of her. The goddess Nemesis was so angry about this, she cursed Narcissus to fall in love with his own reflection. When he realized the object of his desire was not another person who he could have, he died of heartbreak, and the beautiful narcissus flower bloomed in his place.
Healthy Narcissism
Healthy narcissism is quite different than what Ovid’s story speaks of. An article by Susan Kolod, Ph. D. in Psychology Today states, “ Healthy narcissism is related to self-esteem and self-worth but it is not exactly the same. It’s taking pleasure in one’s beauty, in the workings of one’s mind, in the accomplishment of a tough job well done. It is ecstatic joy in oneself. Although the joy of healthy narcissism can be fleeting, it is a powerful and sustaining sensation.” To read more from this article, see here: What Is Healthy Narcissism? | Psychology Today
A good amount of self esteem and pride in personal accomplishments characterizes healthy narcissism, and those who never develop this can be left with feelings of inadequacy if they have setbacks or heartbreaks. It is necessary to believe we are valuable and worthy, even during times when we are not at the top of our success in life. Believing we deserve happiness, and to work towards accomplishments are very important things to our sense of self-worth, and if we don’t have that, we will easily give up on achieving our goals, and we will allow people to mistreat us.
There are tragic reasons that some people never develop this healthy sense of self-worth, and it often stems from not being loved and supported growing up. If a self-centered parent expects their child to lavish the parent with attention, instead of the parent focusing on the child’s emotional needs, lack of a sense of self love can result. Some parents belittle their kids, or outright ignore them, and not getting the encouragement and support of parents growing up can keep people from developing healthy narcissism. Some kids are looked upon with hostility from jealous parents, and punished for the good things about themselves, so they deliberately hold themselves back from doing well to avoid being punished, and this can stretch into adulthood.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, on the other hand, is in no way healthy self-esteem, and it is downright toxic. It is defined as a mental disorder highlighted by an inflated sense of self-importance, arrogance, vanity, and disregard of other people’s feelings. The sense of importance creates a sense of entitlement in that the narcissistic individual believes they are so superior that they deserve special treatment, and they look down on other people they feel are inferior. On the other hand, however, narcissists often truly do struggle with self esteem issues, feeling they are not good enough unless they can brag that they are better than everybody else.
They can struggle with handling constructive criticism and may argue or disengage if someone tries to show them how to improve. They may be overachievers, but their inability to handle feedback from others may lead them to refuse to try to accomplish goals, and that can keep them from achieving anything. They can also express that they are so very unique that few people, if anyone at all can truly understand them, and they may deliberately withdraw from social situations, saying they are above the people they would be around. Some narcissists bring this into their sex lives and go out of their way to rack up as many sex partners as possible, bragging about it, but having no emotional ability to connect to people and they find it difficult to form meaningful relationships.
Narcissistic parents can compromise their children, demanding their kids do things to support the parents’ sense of worth instead of focusing on being a supportive parent. Their kids can learn to put their own needs aside, focusing all their time and attention on their parents. Narcissism in the workplace can create toxic environments where productivity is valued over the employees, and the entire focus of the company becomes the employers’ profits, and the health and wellbeing of the employees is compromised. Unfortunately, Narcissistic Personality Disorder encroaches on every aspect of the sufferer's life and can compromise not only family relationships and workplace productivity, but also personal friendships and romances can be wrecked as well.
Do I Love a Narcissist?
Some people would think that nobody would be involved with a narcissist, but that’s not true. Even if he is a narcissist, you could still be in love with him. You may say “I love him more than he loves me, but he said he has feelings for me.” When a man hurts a good woman, he is not necessarily a narcissist, but he might be. Signs the person you love might be a narcissist include:
They Exploit People
They view other people as available to them only to serve them. While we all help our friends and family members, narcissists can be excessively demanding, forcing you to take days off from school or work that you cannot afford to take for some whim of theirs. They may call only when they want something from you, but can’t be bothered to spend quality time together, and they rarely, if ever reciprocate by doing things to help you as well. One of the narcissistic gifts, or skills, is knowing just how to find people who will serve them and do all they want. Another being who feeds on people is the vampire and you can read about them here: Are Vampires Real?
They Envy Others
Instead of celebrating other people’s accomplishments, they are jealous and resentful that somebody else has something that they don’t. Wishing they had something for themselves is normal, but being angry that somebody else has something they, themselves have not gotten yet is entirely different. Narcissistic self loathing makes narcissists feel inadequate if they don’t have more than other people have, and they will resent people because they feel that way.
They Show No Empathy for Others
Narcissists behave as if they lack an inability to understand that other people’s feelings are valid too, and they sometimes are completely unaware that other people have feelings at all. They may know, and flat out don’t care, but the result is the same. They function as if their feelings are the only ones that matter.
They Have a Constant Need for Admiration
We all love it when we are praised and approved of, but people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder go above and beyond with this. They fish for compliments in normal conversation, asking people to comment on things they want praise for and constantly brag about how other people said good things about them to most anybody who will listen. It is rare they will keep anybody around who doesn’t stroke their egos and if somebody does not validate their constant need for flattery, they may cut them out of their lives. One creature many admire is the lovely black cat and you can read about their magic here: The Magic and Superstitions of Black Cats
They are Extremely Demanding
They don’t care about other people’s schedules and needs, and they believe that whatever they desire should be the top priority at all times. They will have no problem expecting you to fork over more money than you can afford to treat them to dinner or gifts, and they will become very angry if you cannot or will not accommodate them. All they know is what they want and expect, and their goal is forcing other people to give in to them.
They Hog the Conversation
Narcissists are so self-absorbed, they believe they are the only ones who have anything important to say and they don’t care to listen to anything but the sound of their own voice. If they do let you get a word in edgewise, if you dare to disagree with them, they won’t tolerate it at all. They may brush what you said aside, or flat out tell you that you are wrong, but either way they believe they are always right.
They Do Guilt Trips
They can be the world’s biggest victims, demanding you help them, or you are a “bad person”. They can brag about all they have done for you and then accuse you of being unappreciative unless you give in to every demand. “If you REALLY cared about me, you would…”, fill in the blank. You can find yourself unable to satisfy narcissists and have your love or devotion questioned unless you are constantly jumping through hoops, completing unfair tasks they demand of you.
They Are On and Off
One minute, they may make you feel like you are the most special person on earth, and that they just can’t get enough of you, and the next, they completely drop you- until they want something else, that is. They may turn on the charm when they first meet you, and treat you like they love you dearly, but they don’t maintain this, and get bored with you easily, like you are an old toy, and they want to go play with something else.
They Are Very Negative
Threats, yelling, tantrums, or even the silent treatment when they don’t get their way is something they use to try and manipulate and control people. They will be the most pleasant person alive when they are getting things their way, but the minute something is not to their specifications, the hostility begins, and it won’t stop until they are appeased. Read about protective magic: Magic for Self-Defense
Rules Apply to Everybody Except For Them
Breaking societal norms is not necessarily harmful, but narcissists somehow manage to figure out how to make it so. They will walk out without paying for food or will undertip for the joy of it. They will demand to go first instead of waiting their turn, and they will have no issue stealing things they think they can get by with stealing. They will violate other people’s personal boundaries and “borrow” things without permission and never return them, and even flake out on you regularly, and then get mad people call them out on their behavior.
Can a Narcissist Love Someone?
Yes, it is possible for a narcissist to love somebody besides themselves, but they may have a strange way of showing it. If you find yourself saying “He is hurting me emotionally and he does not care” or “My boyfriend shuts me out if I don’t always tell him that he is right”, it might have you wondering if your narcissist significant other loves you at all. It is estimated that five percent or less of adults have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but those who do behave so selfishly, it can have you wondering if they care about anybody but themselves.
When somebody is doing little things to behave lovingly, and then they do or say something condescending, selfish, unkind, or they try to manipulate you, it might make you wonder “Did he really love me at all if he is acting like this?” Here is the question you should be asking instead. Does it matter if somebody truly loves you if they make you say, “My boyfriend hurts me emotionally”? They may criticize you, accusing you of being “overly sensitive” or they may flat out lie and try to convince you that they did not just say or do what you witnessed them say or do. The question is, regardless of whether they feel love for you, do they care about your feelings? Read about love here: What is the Spiritual Meaning of Love?
When a Man Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings
When somebody does not care about your feelings, that’s the way it is. They just don’t care. No amount of explaining to them that we are supposed to care about each other will sway them. Some people genuinely just don’t care about the way they make others feel and there is nothing anybody can do to make them change that. What do you do when somebody does not care about your feelings? That’s up to you. You can decide to remain in a relationship with somebody who is that way, and accept them for the way they are, or you can leave.
Just know that when people refuse to change, staying and trying to change them will likely just annoy them and emotionally drain you. If you love somebody who does not care about other people’s feelings, and you want them to become a caring person, you are one hundred percent correct. They should learn to care, but not everybody is going to. Think about what kind of relationships you want in your life and make your decision accordingly. Only you can decide.
How to Make Positive Energy When You’re Hurting
Bringing positivity into your life can indeed be done when someone you love is struggling with their issues, and you don’t want to walk away from them. They will be very fortunate to have somebody stick by them, for sure. However, while you are being devoted, you have to think about your own mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing, and bring some positivity into your life. It is easier than you might think to do this.
One of the easiest ways to bring positivity when you are going through pain with a narcissist is to select your reactions carefully. They may expect you to get excited or as upset as they do, and if you psychically shield yourself from their energy, and remain calm, even consciously pushing some calming energy their way, that will help to keep from amplifying negativity, and you might even be able to convert that negative energy into positive energy.
Another method is to completely emotionally disengage when narcissistic behaviors rear their head. You can redirect your loved one, or simply ignore the behavior. Just don’t allow it into your personal space. You can also react by stepping out of the situation and going to do something you love instead. You can even invite your loved one to come along- on the condition that they calm down and enjoy the outing instead of being negative. To read more about protecting your energy here: Protecting Your Spiritual Energy
Letting Go
Letting go of narcissistic behavioral patterns happens two ways. First, the person who is a narcissist can commit to making positive changes and doing work on themselves. However, many narcissists don’t see any issues with their behaviors, and they expect other people to change to accommodate them. When no amount of talking and explaining gets through to them, you may be forced to change behaviors yourself, and leave the relationship.
Making Changes Together
The best gift for a narcissist is help. Nobody is perfect and some people genuinely work on themselves because they want to live good lives with the people who they love. While gifts for narcissists are assumed to be whatever they demand, the best gifts for narcissists are patience, understanding, boundary setting, and therapy. Some people become narcissists after being raised in abusive households, and their defense mechanism is to try to be perfect to gain approval. They can fall to pieces and avoid people who do not give them the approval they seek. Working through these feelings with a trained therapist can help them to see that this defense mechanism is causing more problems, and they need to stop.
Setting boundaries and ensuring your loved one who has narcissism respects them is another way to help. If they constantly call you at your job, and interrupt your work, tell them they can’t call unless it is an emergency, and that you will call them on your break. Then if they call, don’t answer the phone. If they leave a nasty message, erase it, and remind them that they cannot call unless it is an emergency and that throwing a fit is unacceptable. If they demand you spend more money than you can afford to, explain your finances, and then refuse to spend more than you can afford. If they try to manipulate you or start yelling or making threats to leave you when they don’t get their way, call their bluff. Tell them that you love them, but you don’t expect anybody to stay in a relationship with you if they don’t want to and offer to help them pack.
Talking to your loved one about what it is they are doing that hurts you and that needs to stop is the first step to helping them to make better choices. Narcissists are human too and they can be completely unaware that they are upsetting you. If they truly care about you and want to maintain the relationship, they will start making changes, but it will take time. Many who are Narcissistic have layers of emotional issues to examine, and with the love and support of good people and counselors, they can make positive changes for good. Sometimes though, people won’t change. What do you do when somebody who you love is hurting you and they won’t stop even when it is explained what they need to do differently?
Saying Goodbye
One of the very powerful giving up on someone you love quotes is “ Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care but because they don’t.“ and that quote is from www.geckoandfly.com. Another is an anonymous quote that says, “I’m not giving up on love. I’m giving up on you.” There comes a time when you did all you could to give positive energy to the person you loved, and they rejected it with every bit of their being. Those are times when you are faced with the ugly truth that how to make positive energy is not necessarily in a toxic relationship, but by getting out of it.
How to deal with a controlling person who only sees you as someone who they use and force to do things for them is to take away their control. Dealing with controlling people in public and at work when they are clients is one thing but doing it in your own personal life is quite another, and it’s not something that you have to do if you are tired of it. Sometimes how to deal with controlling people is simply not to. That’s right. You don’t have to have controlling people in our life if you don’t want to. Narcissists are experts at making other people feel responsible for them, and then mistreating the people who they have programmed to serve them.
You can just say no to them, and walk away, content to live your life with positive, uplifting people in healthy relationships. Some people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder do make changes with counseling, but not all of them do, and if they are not making efforts to be more considerate of you, then you have permission to leave even if you are married, even if they are family, even if they say they don’t want you to leave. It's your life, your heart, and it is your right to include the right people in it who show you the kind of love you know you deserve.
There are some people who come into our lives and stay with us for a lifetime, sharing healthy love, and there are people who come into our lives, and use us for as long as we allow them to. May your loves be true, your relationships be healthy, and may you never ever stay in a relationship that is toxic.
You don’t have to suffer alone. Reach out to a psychic if you think you are in love with a narcissist: Online Psychic Readings
About the Author: Lady Saoirse has studied magic and lore for most of her life but started walking her own Magical Path after being spiritually reborn in the desert. Today she is a High Priestess for The Temple of the Goddess, she is a psychic advisor and spiritual counselor, she shares her gifts as a Psychic and Content Writer for SpiritualBlossom, Mysticsense, and she writes for The Green Egg and PaganPages.Org emag.
