Learning to forgive is difficult, but it’s important. Find out how to forgive and put past wrongs behind you and why you can’t just forgive and forget sometimes.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. Some people act like if you forgive them, they are innocent of what they have done or that they can just keep doing what they expect you to forgive. Then there are times when people make honest mistakes, are truly sorry, and forgiveness is not given to them! It is enough to make you wonder what forgiveness is to begin with and what good it is. Join us at SpiritualBlossom to learn all about forgiveness. Find out what it is and what it isn’t and read what some scriptures from some major world religions have to say about it. Find out when to forgive and forget and when to forgive, but remember what happened. Then get the answer to the most puzzling question yet- is it absolutely necessary to forgive or is it okay not to sometimes?
What is Forgiveness?
“ Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.”- Desmond Tutu
Forgiveness is defined as the intentional act of letting go of anger or resentment. Some say it is releasing the desire for revenge and others insist that to completely forgive, you must reconcile with the offender and also hold them blameless. Some people say that forgiving has nothing to do with holding people blameless, but it is all about self-healing and emotionally moving past what happened. Legally, it entails absolving people of what they owe and allowing them to be debt or consequence free. Forgiveness can include not discussing things that happened and moving forward as if they never did. It can also entail compassion and understanding for the person who has hurt you. When considering forgiveness, make sure to focus on self-love and you can learn how to do that here: Practicing Self Love
What Forgiveness Isn’t
“ Forgiveness isn’t about letting the other person off the hook- it’s about releasing ourselves,”- Gabrielle Bernstein
Even though forgiveness allows everybody to move on from what happened, there are still limits to what forgiveness is. You can forgive someone without allowing them to continue a behavior. You also don’t have to say that what happened is okay. Most of all, you do not, under any circumstances, have to continue a toxic relationship even if you forgive somebody.
Allowing Things to Continue
Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean they can continue doing what they did. When someone says they are sorry, but they keep doing what was wrong, it’s fair to say they really aren’t sorry. They are just giving an apology to get out of the consequences. Even if you are not the kind of person who wants to exact punishments, that doesn’t mean you have to stand for mistreatment. Even if you forgive someone, if they continue the behavior, you can put your foot down. Simply tell them no, and stick to your guns. Nobody gets to mistreat you under any circumstances. Period.
Saying What Happened Was Okay
Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you say what was done to you is okay. Sometimes, it’s not. You can forgive someone for cheating on you, but you don’t have to tell them their cheating is okay. You can forgive someone for stealing an idea you had, but that does not mean it is ok. Letting people know you forgive them, but you are not ok with what happened is good. It means you respect yourself and won’t stand for mistreatment even if you forgive. This gives you the freedom to be the best you can be, and it makes it clear that you expect others to respect you. Learn about being your best self here: How to Be Your Best Self
Maintaining a Toxic Relationship
Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to continue a relationship with them. If you have the slightest feeling that the relationship is toxic, it won’t benefit you or the other person if you stay in the relationship. Toxic relationships hurt you, enable abusers, and can hold you back from a healthy life. Relationships are supposed to improve our lives, not make them more difficult. You can forgive anybody for anything, but even if you forgive a toxic person, you can still cut them out of your life. You can use magic to protect yourself from toxic people and you can find out how here: Magic for Self-Defense
Scriptures About Forgiveness
“ Forgiveness is God’s greatest gift.”- Dan Brown
Major world religions have always had a lot to say about the importance of forgiveness. Judaism balances mercy with justice. Christianity teaches unlimited forgiveness. Buddhism teaches that forgiveness is a necessary practice in life so you may attain inner peace and enlightenment.
Judaism
Judaism balances mercy with justice. In Leviticus 19: 17-18, it says, “Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share their guilt. Do not seek vengeance or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” So, calling out wrongs is crucial, but hatred is not okay. In Micah 6:8, it says, “ He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your god.” Justice for wrongs must be reasonable and not vindictive. Forgive mercifully, but don’t let people hurt you without consequences.
Buddhism
Buddhism teaches that forgiveness is necessary for our own spiritual growth. The Buddha is quoted as once saying “Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Resentment from anger poisons us and forgiveness lets go of these toxic feelings. Compassion for all living creatures, including people who have harmed us is a central teaching of Buddhism. The Dhammapada says “Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time. Hatred ceases through love. This is an unalterable law.” Love for those who have hurt you so you may find inner peace is taught by Buddhism. Read about the spiritual meaning of love here: What is the Spiritual Meaning of Love?
Christianity
Christianity teaches to forgive people an unlimited amount of times, and to pray to their god for forgiveness unlimited times. In Matthew 18: 21-22, it is written, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” The meaning was not to count the times you forgive, but to forgive people as many times as you need to. In Ephesians 4: 32, it says “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Christianity teaches that everybody needs to be forgiven sometimes, and we are sometimes called to forgive, so we should.
When to Forgive and Forget
“Forgive, forget, learn the lesson, and move forward!”- James A. Murphy III
So, even if you forgive people every time, when should you forgive and also forget about what happened? When people are truly sorry, you can be confident about forgiving them and forgetting about what happened. When people take accountability for what they have done, you can forgive and forget. When the offense will never happen again, you can feel comfortable forgiving and forgetting.
When They Are Sorry
You can tell when people are just saying they are sorry because they don’t want to deal with consequences. It can be very difficult to find it in your heart to forgive such people. However, when people are truly sorry, and they show it, you can feel safe forgiving them and forgetting. Everybody makes mistakes, and the people who truly love you are sorry for hurting you. They will apologize and they will show that they are sorry. Maybe one day you will make a mistake, and they will forgive you too. Together you can move on from what happened. Read about saying I love you here: When Should I Tell Him I Love Him?
When They Take Accountability
Sometimes, people immediately take accountability for what they do. They say they are sorry and will do whatever it takes to make things right again. They also say they will accept the consequences. When people say these things and demonstrate that they are sincere, it’s safe to say you can forgive them and forget about what happened. Accepting responsibility for wrongdoings shows trustworthiness and a real desire to male up for what they did wrong.
When It Will Never Happen Again
Sometimes, you can just tell that somebody is truly sorry and will never again do the hurtful thing they did. Time demonstrates this sometimes, but other times, you know someone well enough to trust their word. If the thing that happened is truly in the past. In this case, when you forgive, you can easily forget about it and move forward with your relationship. If you need techniques to control emotions while you are working on forgiving, you can find out here: The Ten Best Ways to Control Emotions
When to Forgive and Remember
“I always forgive, but I never forget.”- Randy Moss
Sometimes, you decide to forgive someone, but in the back of your mind, you know you need to be careful. Maybe forgiveness is just something you do for your own peace of mind. Maybe you forgave somebody, but you know you can’t trust them. If you are still healing, it might be too soon to forget about what happened.
When You Need to Forgive for Yourself
Some people say they forgive so they can stop thinking about what happened. They say the need to find peace and learn to focus on something else besides how badly what happened hurt them. When this happens, your own journey to forgiving someone might mean that you have to think about what happened some more. It’s okay to remember what happened when forgiveness is just for you, and not to repair a relationship somebody else broke. Sometimes, forgiveness brings you peace and that is all that is needed.
When You Can’t Trust Them
When you know the person you forgave cannot be trusted, it might feel unwise to let your guard down. Behaving as if what they are likely to do again never happened can make you vulnerable to being hurt again, and it’s just not worth it. All it takes is one harsh conversation or one selfish action to destroy trust forever. Taking care of yourself after you have been hurt might include forgiveness, but forgetting what is likely to happen again is unwise. Knowing you can’t trust someone can make you very uncomfortable and you can find out what to do about being uncomfortable here: What Should I Do if I Am Uncomfortable?
When You Are Still Healing
Healing takes time, and nobody gets to tell you that you have to rush it to accommodate them. Sometimes, the people who hurt us expect us to immediately forgive and forget, but your heart tells you that you need time. If somebody truly cares about you, they will be patient and allow you that time. If they push you to “get over it” quickly, it means they are more concerned for themselves than your feelings. Take all the time you need to heal. The right people will support your healing.
Do I Have to Forgive?
“ I don’t forgive or forget. I just move on.”- Whisper
You don’t have to forgive anybody unless you want to. Not even if it is a family member. Not even if it is a spouse. Not even if it is your best friend. Not even if people pressure you to. Not even if people say you will not be forgiven for things you do. Even if they say they are sorry, no you do not have to forgive them. Forgiveness is not something you owe to somebody who hurts you. It is something you do for yourself.
Can you move past things and heal if you don’t forgive? That depends. Some people feel the need to forgive to move beyond things that have happened, but not everybody feels that way. If forgiving someone makes you feel better, and you will be hurt until you do, then by all means, forgive. If you don’t need to forgive to heal, and you don’t want to forgive, then you don’t have to. Don’t let anybody, especially the person who hurt you, browbeat you into saying you forgive.
Forgiving is a very personal thing. It is the decision and the right of the person being called on to forgive. The people who hurt you are not owed forgiveness by you. They owe you. They owe you a sincere apology and they owe it to you to change and never hurt you again. Even if you decide to forgive someone, that doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were before you were hurt. Some words and deeds destroy trust forever. Sometimes though, people make mistakes, are sorry, and change. Forgiveness can bring you back with someone you love again and make your relationship stronger than ever! Then again, some relationships are not meant to be revived. The decision is yours.
To be forgiven after a terrible mistake can be the most wonderful feeling in the world. Nobody is perfect, after all, and sometimes, people deserve another chance! The people we love are worth forgiving, and sometimes, we need forgiveness too. Forgiveness isn’t always called for, though. When “forgiving and forgetting” puts you in harm’s way, you might decide to break ties and move on without someone in your life. It’s not easy to forgive, and it’s not easy to decide not to. Your heart will guide you to forgiveness when the time is right.
Are you struggling to decide whether to forgive and forget? You don’t have to decide alone. Reach out to one of our psychics for help! Online Psychic Readings
About the Author: Lady Saoirse has studied magic and lore for most of her life but started walking her own Magical Path after being spiritually reborn in the desert. Today she is a High Priestess for The Temple of the Goddess, she is a psychic advisor and spiritual counselor, she shares her gifts as a Psychic and Content Writer for Mysticsense and SpiritualBlossom, and she writes for The Green Egg Magazine and PaganPages.Org emag.
