Self-love is something important to develop so you can lead an emotionally fulfilling life. Find out just what self-love is, why it is not wrong to love yourself, and discover easy ways to incorporate healthy self-love into your life.
In spiritual circles, people speak of self-love in length, and how to cultivate self-love is explored in depth. You can find books, videos, classes, and quotes everywhere all about self-love and how important it is, but what is self-love? Some people say it is selfishness, and say it is unacceptable, and other people say it is unacceptable to not have a healthy amount of self-love. Despite what some people say, most people agree that self-love is important, and it is always a good idea to make sure you love and care about yourself so you can live a happy life. This article will explore self-love, its importance, how to cultivate self-love, and all you need to know about making self-love happen.
What is Self Love?
Self-love is most simply defined as caring about yourself. It means you take your needs and desires into consideration, and you take care of those needs and desires even if other people disapprove. There may be as many different views about self-love as there are people, but three philosophies in particular speak about self-love, and how to practice it well. The Buddha spoke in length about it, as have Christians. The influential humanist Erich Fromm had other things to say about self-love. Each of these philosophies, however, teaches that self-love is important and must be practiced properly to live a good life.
The Buddha
The Buddha warned against being ruled by desires of the flesh, and that doing so would create more suffering in your life. He did counsel something called karuna, however. Karuna means “compassion” in English comes from the Sanskrit word “karu” which means to do, and it is a powerful concept in Buddhism, Jainism, and Hinduism. Karuna is doing things that relieve suffering, and it is an important part of becoming enlightened. The Buddha said karuna was compassion with no expectations, and that if you had mastered karuna, you would not even expect people to appreciate your compassion. He said it was your heart making you want to take action to alleviate suffering. It is considered crucial to constantly act to try and alleviate all suffering possible if you master karuna.
Just as karuna should be practiced to help other beings, it should be practiced for yourself. The Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” The Buddha also counseled not comparing ourselves to others and to choose words with care. The things we say to ourselves makes us feel loved or rejected. Most especially during times when you want to improve, instead of telling yourself you are not good enough, use a positive affirmation like “Every day I am becoming a better version of myself. “ Another affirmation is “I am whole as I am, but as I improve, I become stronger.”
Christians
Some Christians like Mother Theresa preached selflessness, but few understand how powerful as well as humble she was. A story is told about two rich men who once refused to give charitable contributions, and she would not back down, insisting they donate until they finally did. Being selfless does not mean being a doormat, as this story shows. In the Bible, in Mark, 12:31, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself, ” which was commanding people to acknowledge that they, themselves, were just as valuable and worthy of love as other people were. Christians believe all people are created in the image of their god, and that all of humanity is worthy of the love of their god, so loving yourself as well as other people is pleasing to their god.
In Romans 12:10, it says, “ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” So, does this mean other people deserve more love? Not at all, and later in that chapter, it counsels against revenge but also counsels that people are deeply connected to one another. It implores people to conquer evil with good, refusing to fight, or attack. Christians sought to live in harmony with one another rather than to focus on enmity, and this is a powerful way to practice self-love. A more peaceful world will create a better life for everybody, including yourself. In this way, perhaps creating a peaceful life is one of the best ways to love yourself.
Erich Fromm
Born in 1900, Erick Fromm escaped Nazi Germany and went on to become a very influential psychoanalyst, sociologist, writer, and educator who also wrote about Judaism. Unlike some other Jewish thinkers, he extolled the virtues of Adam and Eve and the fact the bit the apple in the Garden of Eden. Rather than say they were disobedient and wrong, he interpreted this story as how important it is to think for ourselves and decide what we think is best to do rather than practicing blind obedience. To Fromm, individuality was important, and people had a responsibility to stand up for individual freedom.
He felt selfishness was not self-love, however, and he wrote, “ …Narcissism or egocentricity is something entirely different from self-love. Because self-love is love and in love it doesn’t make any difference who the object of the love is…Man must have an affirmative, loving attitude towards oneself. The egocentric person in reality is a person who does not love himself, and so he is greedy. In general a greedy person is a person who is not satisfied.”
What are Signs of Self-Love?
So, a lot of people believe that self-love is important, but how can you tell you have it? There are countless signs that you have self-love, and while not everybody who loves themselves does all the same things, there are a few things that everybody who loves themselves does. They practice self-preservation and they express themselves meaningfully. They also exude confidence.
Self- Preservation
Self-preservation means you protect yourself from harm. You don’t let people take advantage of you, and you don’t allow anybody into your personal friend’s circle if they don’t care about you. You won’t date anybody who is not attracted to you for who you are, and you are emotionally secure enough to cut toxic people and situations out of your life. Your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing is important to you, and you won’t let anything, or anybody compromise your peace. You refuse to put yourself in dangerous situations, and you instinctively get yourself out of harm’s way the second you can tell that a situation is not safe. Your wellbeing is more important to you than what other people say, and you know it.
Self-Confidence
When you practice self-love, you cultivate healthy self-confidence. That means that you believe in yourself and your abilities. You accept that you have imperfections, but you don’t let that make you feel ashamed, and you are open to improving yourself. You don’t let unkind words or unfair criticisms from other people make you feel bad about yourself, and you don’t compare yourself to other people. You are thankful for your unique qualities, and you are always yourself instead of mimicking other people who you admire. You like yourself, are proud of yourself, and are happy to be who you are. Read about being your best self: How to Be Your Best Self (spiritualblossom.com)
Self-Expression
Self-expression means you communicate mindfully and purposefully. You speak your mind when you feel it is necessary, but you know when to keep your opinions and business to yourself. You don’t need validation for your feelings and views from other people, and becoming aware that other people disagree with you about something does not sway you. You don’t apologize for the way you feel about things, and people are unable to make you feel they are more intelligent than you are if they disagree. You know that arguing is not worth your time and you don’t seek to convert people to embracing your beliefs. You speak your mind, you speak your truth, and you take ownership of your feelings.
Is Self Love Selfish?
Is it selfish to cultivate self love? That all depends on how you do it. Self-love has to be balanced with love for other people, and when it is balanced well, that’s a good thing. While some people really are selfish people who have no regard for the feelings and needs of other people, some people are overly concerned with other people’s feelings, and they compromise themselves. Self-love, like all things, needs to be balanced so you don’t go overboard with being too self-centered to not self-centered enough.
Too Selfish
When your focus on yourself is too strong, it will lead you to take advantage of other people. You won’t value other people’s time or appreciate what other people do for you, and you won’t care if you hurt their feelings. You will do whatever you want to, no matter how it affects other people, and if people tell you that you are hurting them, you won’t care. You can neglect your relationships, and fail to be a team player, wanting all the rewards for yourself. You may blurt out every unkind opinion you have and chastise people who feel unfairly cut down by that. If you are too selfish, you will think you are the center of the world, and your sense of entitlement can make you demanding and impatient as well. Learn about love and relationships: What is the Spiritual Meaning of Love?
Too Selfless
On the other hand, if you don’t care about yourself at all, selfish people will be drawn to you, and you won’t know how to stop them. You will let people mistreat you, and they might even convince you that it is all your fault. You won’t speak up for yourself, and people will take advantage of you, because they know you will let them. You will consent to toxic relationships, and when you need somebody to be there for you, these toxic people will not be around because they will abandon you until they want something from you. You won’t have the confidence to strive for the things you want in life, and even if you do try something new, you will give up easily. When things go wrong, you will tell yourself you deserved it, and you won’t try to make things better if you don’t care about yourself enough.
Why Lack Self-Love?
You might be wondering why somebody would lack self-love. That could happen for a lot of different reasons. You might not have been treated well at home growing up, and you might lack self-love because of being bullied by other children when you were a kid. You might have been treated very well but endured a crushing heartbreak you have not recovered from yet. Rest assured, no matter what caused you to have self-love struggles, it can all be overcome.
Abuse
Growing up in a home where your emotional needs were not met can make you struggle with self-love. It would be perfect if all children were raised with compassion, emotional support, and in a safe environment where they could grow happily and healthily. It doesn’t always work out that way and when your parents did not emotionally support you as a child, you can struggle to be emotionally supportive of yourself as an adult. The way to recover from this is through acceptance that you did not deserve abuse, and you deserved the nurturing and care you did not get. Counseling and time will help you heal from this, and you can learn to give yourself the love you did not have growing up. You may love an abuser even though they don’t love you. Learn about letting go of someone: The Ultimate Guide on How to Let Someone Go
Bullying
Sometimes your family was fantastic, but as a child, other kids attacked you. Name calling, shunning, ridicule, body shaming, and other bullying from childhood can cause long term consequences for the victim. StopBullying.gov says that in a 2015 survey, 21% of kids age 12-18 reported being bullied. The effects of bullying can be depression, suicidal thoughts or attempts, sleep disturbance, academic problems.Consequences of Bullying | StopBullying.gov The Conversation reports that bullying can cause long term psychological issues like self esteem problems, PTSD, depression and anxiety, and trust issues. Childhood bullying can cause lifelong psychological damage – here's how to spot the signs and move on (theconversation.com) Besides counseling, consciously identifying self defeating thoughts you may have developed from bullying is one way to work through it and move toward self-love.
Heartbreak
If you get your heart broken, it can make you doubt yourself. You might blame yourself for a breakup or question your ability to emotionally move forward afterwards. However, it’s not you. Soocial reported that over 85% of dating relationships end in breakups and a mere 7.6% of people accept responsibility for a breakup. Furthermore, a shocking 64% of people in the USA have endured the breakup of a long-term relationship. If you got your heart broken, you are not alone, and you should not feel ashamed. Time will heal you, and you will love again. 30 Relationship Failure Statistics 2023 (Too Tough To Accept) - Soocial
Tips to Practice Self-Love
Self-love seems to come naturally to some people, but other people must work to achieve it. If you are struggling with self-love, don’t be dismayed. You can learn how to truly love yourself. There are countless things you can do to cultivate self-love. Sometimes, these things might feel strange at first, but give yourself time to get used to doing them. Before you know it, these things will become second nature, and your self-love stills will be very strong.
Prioritize Your Needs
Your needs matter, and not everybody understands that, so you have to. Some people will be selfish with your time, expecting you to neglect yourself to do things they want you to do instead. It might be difficult to say “no” to people who are being demanding at first, but your needs have to come before somebody else’s desires. If you don’t take proper care of yourself, you can’t take care of anything else. Take care of your own needs, and then do other things for other people.
Balance Expectations
You might be responsible for taking care of other people and you need to put some things besides your immediate desires first, but is it necessary to cook a three-course meal for breakfast every day if it means you don’t get a shower? Have fair and realistic expectations of yourself, and don’t overextend yourself. Chances are, the expectations are yours, and other people are not the ones stressing or overworking you. While we all want to accomplish great things, we are only human and need to balance rest with working towards what we value. Be realistic about what is a fair expectation of yourself. Libras are known for balancing and you can read about them here: Libra Traits and Love Compatibility
Practice Self-Care
Self-care might be something as simple as treating yourself to your favorite coffee every week, and it might be something like shutting the ringer off from your telephone on days off, so the office won’t call you constantly. The things you have to do to take care of yourself are necessary, and if you love yourself, you will do these things. You are deserving of rest, peace of mind, joy, and fun the same as anybody else, and there are things that nobody else will do for you if you won’t do them for yourself. Prioritize self-care daily, and you will feel your best.
Reject Societal Standards
Sometimes, we have to harmonize to have a peaceful life, but other times, allowing other people to dictate to you is toxic and unnecessary. Casting off toxic expectations is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and it is something you must get comfortable with doing if you have not already. Wear the shorts you want to even if a neighbor says you have fat ankles, eat the sushi you like for lunch at work even if a co-worker calls it “weird food”, and go watch the chick flick with your sister even if your buddies say it is not “manly” of you if you want to. You can’t please everybody, but you can please yourself if you prioritize your own happiness by rejecting other people’s ridiculous expectations. Aquarians refuse to allow society to dictate to them and you can read about them here: Aquarius Zodiac Traits and Love Compatibility
Purge Toxicity
All of us make the mistake of including unhealthy things or people in our lives at some time or another, and the most loving thing you can do for yourself in these situations is to cut toxicity out of your life. If you have suffered through a long-term relationship that is bad for you for any reason, go ahead and break things off, cutting the cords of emotional attachment. If you realize that you have cultivated a bad habit , unlearn that bad habit and replace it with a better one. If you are in a bad job, a bad living situation, or even stuck doing something like a hobby that is bad for you, find a way out. Loving yourself means finding a way to release yourself from things that are not good for you.
Be Kind to Yourself
Don’t be down on yourself. You might have made a mistake, or you might have failed royally at something, but emotionally beating yourself up by telling yourself you are a failure or incapable is not helpful. You are only human, and all human beings make mistakes sometimes. We all deserve understanding about that. Imagine when you are being harsh with yourself that you were saying those things to somebody else. Would you do that? Then don’t do it to yourself. Forgive yourself, give yourself a break, and allow yourself to learn and improve.
Set Boundaries
Practicing self-love means you have to learn to set boundaries with people. Refusing to forego your family vacation you have been planning for months because a co-worker walked off the job yesterday will set a protective boundary around your well-earned time off and family time. Refusing to give a sibling who won’t work money will communicate that your value what you worked for, and you are not giving it away. Refusing to wait on your carpool partner who is always late will encourage them to be on time next time, and it will keep you from being late. Your time and needs are valid, and you don’t need to compromise those for anybody. Set boundaries and stick with them.
Be Healthy
Taking care of your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health is a big part of practicing self-love. These things are time consuming, and there are going to be people who do not understand that you deserve the time you need to be healthy. That is too bad for them, when you practice self-love, though, because you will understand that if your health is neglected, you will become ill. Remember that it takes a lot longer to heal from something you could have prevented by maintaining your health than the time it takes to maintain your health in the first place. Love yourself enough to take care of yourself.
Think Positively
Thinking positive things as opposed to negative things is very important to self-love. If you tell yourself the worst things, you will believe them, and you won’t see the good things you are surrounded by. Negative thinking can make you give up before you even try new things, and it can convince you that nothing will ever get better. Facing problems is important, and affirmations like “This is difficult right now, but I can get through this” will give you the courage and confidence to deal with things. Telling yourself you are going to do the best you can even in the worst of times is sometimes all the positive energy you need to keep trying. You deserve to believe in yourself to combat bad times, so think positively!
Listen to Yourself
Sometimes, all you need is somebody to listen to you in an understanding way and sometimes you need somebody to validate your intuition. It’s always nice when people who you love do that for you, but even if everybody does it, if you don’t listen to yourself, you will struggle. If your instincts are warning you that somebody has bad intentions, love yourself enough to refuse a date with them. If your body is telling you that you need more sleep, but your friends want you to go out for four hours, stay in and sleep. If your heart is leading you to move back to your hometown, listen to yourself and move home! Your inner voice knows what is best, and you should love yourself enough to listen to that.
When you love yourself, it does not matter if everybody else doesn’t, because self-love is the most powerful gift you can give yourself. It gives you confidence, the ability to set boundaries, meet your needs, take care of yourself, and feel good about yourself. Even if you don’t have lavish riches, or a doting entourage of admirers, if you love yourself, you have all you need. You are worth it.
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About the Author: Lady Saoirse has studied magic and lore for most of her life but started walking her own Magical Path after being spiritually reborn in the desert. Today she is a High Priestess for The Temple of the Goddess, she is a psychic advisor and spiritual counselor, she shares her gifts as a Psychic and Content Writer for SpiritualBlossom, has written for Mysticsense, and she writes for PaganPages.Org emag and Green Egg Magazine.
